How to Get Rid of Your Virginity Guys!

All the guys are pointing at you dismissively and playfully punching their buddies on the shoulder, each mocking you by prancing about like a big sissie. Not so as you can see them, of course, but you're sure they're doing it. You know it because they all know you're still a virgin. You radiate virginity. "Loser!"

You're thinking, "what am I doing wrong? I've heard the news on the BBC say that by the time British boys are 15, a quarter of them have lost their virginity. Come on, they're Brits, for gosh sakes! I'm a red-blooded American, and I'm 19. Why can't I get seduced and get rid of this lousy condition? What is wrong with me?!

There, there, take it easy, pal. Don't be so hard on yourself. Your problem may be that you're defective - not in charm or looks, but in your technique. Well, we're here to help you remedy that problem. Just follow our directions, and you'll be okay in no time.

A Prerequisite to Success: To Do This Thing, You'll Need a Partner

1. First step, find a girl or, if you swing that way, a boy. But, for the sake of keeping the pronouns simple, let's say that you're a guy looking for a girl (though everything we write here also applies to boys if you swing that way). This girl can be homely or beautiful, short or tall, smart or dumb, rich or poor, hither or yon, but she must have one particular quality: she's got to be easy. Nowadays, girls with this quality are not difficult to find if you look in all the right places.

2. Once you have spotted the girl, you must learn a bit about her so that you can more easily open a conversation and flatter her. That's important. Write it down: girls love flattery. It makes no difference how outrageous it is, they believe it and love it.

You can get some useful background information about her by hiring a detective to tail her (expensive), going through her garbage to see what magazines she subscribes to (messy), watching her from a distance (requires investing in binoculars and also runs the risk of arrest as a stalker), tapping into her phone (not good if the NSA already has her phone tapped), or getting your friends to go through her garbage (they'll refuse). So, you are at a dead end; getting background on her is out, and you're just going to have to wing it. That's okay, because you don't have time for background investigations anyway. You've got to strike while your iron is hot and bothered.

The Art of the Pickup

3. You are going to have to march right up to her and hit her with a great opening line, what is known in the business as a "pick-up line." There are good and bad pick-up lines. "Hi, I'm Able N. Willing, single, a virgin, and smitten by your charms" is a pickup line. The words are, no doubt, the truth; but write this down: All that telling the truth is guaranteed to accomplish is to set you free. You don't want to be set free. You want a partner. So that is a bad pick-up line.

A good pick-up line: "I love your hair. It frames your face perfectly." This may or may not be true. Either way, it's flattery, and what do girls love? That's right! Onward!

4. Ask her where she's from, what kind of work she does, blah blah blah, the usual small talk. (Don't ask her what her sign is; she will be embarrassed if she doesn't know.) After no more than an hour of this kind of chitchat, ask her out.

5. Tell her what you intend to do on your date - go to a good restaurant (name it) and a show - but, for God's sake, don't tell her what you're intending to do afterward. If she accepts, terrific! If not, well, even a good salesman closes only 10% of his pitches, and a great baseball player fails to get on base 70% of the time. Get over the rejection and move on to your next potential conquest.

But let's say you're successful. Come the evening of the date, be prepared for getting lucky. Carry a condom or two. After all, she may not have any.

6. After the dinner and show, play it by ear. Drive her to her house, show her to the door, and go for the goodnight kiss. If she likes you, she will kiss you back. If she is eager to get carnal on you, she will give you a sign, such as wresting you to the ground, sticking her tongue down your throat as far as your liver, and then wresting you through the door. Ta-dahhhh! Mission accomplished. Things Don't Always Go Perfectly on the First Date

If, however, she likes you but is not carnal, try making another date. She may want to go a little slow because she's interested in something more than a one-night stand with you. A lot of girls are that way. It's irksome, we know, but realize this: you're not going to get your way if she doesn't get her way.

Yes, time to wake up, fellow. You are no longer the pursuer if, indeed, you ever were. You have taken on another title: Putty in Her Hands. That's right. She's in charge. But then, she always was, and you just never knew it. Why? Because you're a male.

On one of these dates, maybe with this girl, maybe with another, your quest will be, shall we say?, consummated. Now, danger lurks. You may find you like your new non-virgin status, so much so that you keep dating this girl (if she lets you). You may find yourself falling in love. You may find yourself getting married. You may find yourself living in a suburban home with 1.5 children, a car in the driveway, and a colossal mortgage. And the days go by, water flowing underground.

Real life has ensnared you. But you'll always remember that first time.